A short while ago, a friend suggested one way to disrupt my afternoon brain fog was to actually get in the bed and purposefully will myself to sleep. I vehemently explained my opposition to her considering the laborious task to dress my bed every morning. (Yes, I dress my bed including straightening to perfection an oversized duvet.) Feeling overwhelmed today, I did not care and climbed up into the “Big Bed” about 3:45 p.m. with my MacBook, thinking I will simply write while listening to some light jazz… My favorite song, which features the tickling of ivory amazingly soothing to my inner being… Guy Abraham’s “När vi är tillsammans,” (Translation: When We Are Together) softly playing through the sound system and almost immediately, I fall asleep. It was not simply a power nap of twenty minutes. I slept over an hour… and only the telephone ringing awakened me to a conscious state where I continued gorging myself on Girl Scout cookies.
It was an interesting conversation seeking my input and assistance as a volunteer for organizing a project to teach inner-city school children the science of gardening. Years ago, before my son was born, I enjoyed helping to train young voices to sing. A conviction I live by is serving others is both satisfying and beneficial to a productively good and long life.
Mindlessly devouring nearly a box of Girl Scout Cookies did not help matters today… except perhaps gobbling processed sweets confirmed my self-diagnosis of depression. Last night it was Dark Chocolate Himalayan Salted Almonds… and the bag found “itself” cozying up to me whilst in the bed. Three healthy buzz words… dark chocolate, Himalayan and almonds… made it acceptable. Now the irritation has turned inwards.
It is 5:30 and my man/child yells out, “I’m getting hungry Mom.” I take him a flavorful Bosc pear as well pick up one for myself. I bite into this deliciously juicy, but crisp and fresh pear to just relax as darkness approaches. Depression relishes the darkness… Not sure why but in the many years I have battled depression, the darkness is soothing to me. One therapist taught me to appreciate my brain needs a time-out and on occasion to just accept the retreat, of sorts, but cautious to not let it overtake me. How do you not let depression overtake you?
Often, irritability feeds into my desire to being alone. Growing up, my religious background did not support even the “confession” of depression often making those closest to me oblivious to the ensuing physical pain from depression. The limited understanding and lack of compassion complicates this illness when others equate it to a measure of narrow faith… Or worse, a sign of God’s rebuffing you; conversely you rejecting him. As an adult, I have come to have little tolerance for such thinking. I surgically expunge these people and their dogma from my life once their inability to comprehend, in the face of knowledge, this real-life experience recognizing it results in further stress for me.
How do I not let it overtake me? Clinical depression is not easy to climb out of and I generally oppose the likely adverse reactions to psychotropic drugs. Consequently, I am more likely to fight the feelings of despondency, inadequacy and sadly hopelessness to never go there again. Such an irony that “God knew which one of us to give him too…” and the “One” is me… Such an odd pairing…
It is now past 6 o’clock in the evening and a voice in my Wilderness cries out, “Mommy, I’m really getting hungry.” He then asks, “When was the last time we ordered a pizza?” I do not order pizzas! I make my own pizza.
Besides, it is far too late in the evening to make dough and simple carbs will only feed into my near depletion of serotonin. My body needs a healthy bolus of protein. He refuses my offer of more fruit so I pull myself into my tiny kitchen and foraging through the refrigerator, a high protein salad seems like our best option. All day, I’ve craved a lobster roll… Once again, simple carbohydrate overload feeds depression. Instead of bread (which I would have to bake) why not prepare the lobster and toss it all with a big bowl of greens. Toss in some freshly steamed Fava beans… I feel better already.
Morning has broken and it is a new day. Ceremoniously, the dark chocolate, blah blah blah almonds are now tossed. Memories of this wonderful meal lifted me into much better spirits today… Would love a repeat but out of lobster and now I wait for the next big price reduction.
It really is a new day in my TINYKITCHEN, where GREATTASTE can often feed my emotional needs in a good way to nourish any BIGHEART!
Thank you for listening.
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